TGIF!
Today I woke up happier than I have been in a very, very long time. Why? Because I turned off the last bit of noise.
A few days ago I turned off my Youtube comments. Made me very nervous, but when I woke up the next day to silence on my channel, I started to relax. After a few days I realized that even if I lose all earnings by turning off my youtube comments, I don’t know if I could ever go back to turning them on. Maybe. Not sure.
Since I was able to experience the silence and discover just how good it felt, I decided to go ahead and turn off posting and commenting in my Peanut Gallery group. I know. Not what a group is about, right? Groups are for interaction. Socializing. Conversations. And sadly, memes. All things I can’t stand.
I went to bed feeling like a failure because I didn’t fit in to society, not even online. Then I started to think… what had I really done? I turned off the noise. Yes, even online chatter is noise to me. I don’t know about others, but when I read, I read out loud in my head. Like really loud. And I often re-read stuff over and over, something I’ve always done. Not sure why I do that, but I do it (some OCD shit going on). Even if the conversation is interesting, after a little bit I’m sick of the noise and the stressful task of reading.
It’s almost like you are at a party. At first it’s fun. Then you develop a headache for whatever reason and little by little, you realize you are no longer having fun, but you are still able to act civilized. But the headache amplifies the chatter and all the conversations and laughter around you becomes painfully loud. The joke that someone just told you, a joke you might think was funny if you felt better, makes you want to knock them across the room. You get to the point that you can’t stand any of it. And you wonder why people are still talking to you. You don’t even want them talking to each other. You are in pain. You are miserable. And you don’t understand why everyone is just going on like nothing is wrong. Then you realize it’s because they don’t know you are suffering. Or some might know and they just don’t care.
If you are at this party in someone else’s home. Cool beans. You can leave. Even that can be hard because maybe the host really wants you there. Maybe you are there to help out. But you are sick and you need to leave. Pretty sure this is a decision most would make, even if it pisses off the host (and fuck them if they take it that way). The excuse is simple, I have a terrible headache and I’m sick. No one thinks you are a freak. Most understand and don’t need you to go into depth over it. You don’t have to mention that a drunk man’s lousy joke was the last straw.
But what if this party is in your own home? What if you are the host? You sent out all the invitations and everyone came because they wanted very much to be there. Or at least they felt somewhat obligated so they came. And now what if you slowly realize the party is too much for you to handle? It’s too loud. You can’t process it. Your head is killing you. You are getting sick to your stomach from anxiety. You worry that the next burst of laughter might make you cry right there in front of everyone. What are your choices?
Do you just put up with it and let it suck all the life out of you? And even worse, do you continue to have more parties hoping the next one will work out better for you? Maybe you just need to try harder and harder until you can survive your own party? That’s no longer an option for me. I’m sick of trying.
Or do you announce you are sick and ask (or force) everyone to leave? You are so sorry but that’s just the way it has to be?
Maybe you could try excusing yourself and going off into another room until your brain settles down a bit. Let the party go on without you, but then you worry because you are the host! And although this might work well for one party, what if you want to have more parties? Are you supposed to host parties and always leave?
Here’s what I decided to do. My Peanut Gallery Group is the party. I let everyone know that the party was just too much for me to handle mentally. Everyone is welcome to stay, but everyone needs to be quiet. How’s that for an option! If someone wants to just chill and hang out by my pool (in my dreams) or snack on the all-meat appetizers that I made (’cause you know that’s what I’m serving) and just stick around to see if I might have something interesting to say (because after all, some say they LOVE me and they are ADDICTED to me so they are there for me, right? lol, not always the case), they are more than welcome stick around. If they are not interested in that kind of “quiet” party, they can simply leave.
Fucking best decision I ever made.
I woke up relieved. The noisy party is over. I still have guests hanging out with me. They can chill out just like I can. I’ll let them know when the next video snack is served and they can indulge by watching if they want.
And you know what else I thought? Who the hell even cares if I’m social on youtube comments or on facebook? What the fuck does it matter to anyone? I’m here to provide content via my channel and my blog. Nothing more, nothing less. I do this because it’s what I love to do. I don’t seek approval from anyone. I think one of the reasons comments that approve of what I do make me so uncomfortable is because I rarely had any experience with approval. When I reached for it within my own family, that didn’t work out well for me. So I stopped asking for it. And getting approval from complete strangers is just not something I warm up to. It feels fake. And it turns into noise.
Yesterday’s video was all about my dilemma. Not sure what today’s video will be, but for once I actually feel like recording and not just pushing through it. I feel so free!
What I Have on eBay: Nothing new (I still have Halloween and Reindeer) but I am going to try to have something listed later tonight or at least by tomorrow!!!
10 Free eBooks plus Free Music: I have the new Free eBook Downloads which includes Free Indoor Games for Kids, a Cranberry Cookbook, Great Expectations (a classic) and more! I also have the Free Music Downloads.
Youtube Analytics Mini Update: I am holding stead with earnings. No spike. Don’t care. Holding stead is fine by me. Just hope that continues.
Peanut Gallery Facebook Group Update: We currently have 1.065 members and shrinking! lol I lost about 20 members because they apparently don’t want a quite party. I gained about 10 more who probably joined not knowing it’s a quiet party, so maybe they will end up leaving. Now I want to invite everyone who loves a quiet party! I know there are others out there who don’t like memes or silly conversations, yet you might still like to know what I’m up to. This is the group for you! You can join here!
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Lots of stuff going on over there!
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