Happy Saturday!
I have no clue how many members of my youtube audience reads my daily chats, but I’m probably about to find out. I was going to say this in a video, but I think it would drain me even more. So I’ll use my blog as my therapy instead.
The Ugly Polyester Quilt. Let’s talk about that.
Yes, I said repeatedly that it’s ugly. It’s true that I do not care for that particular mix of fabrics. I would never choose that mix but I was using what I had on hand. I didn’t care how it looked in the end. I don’t even know if I can really think something is ugly without getting to know it. Like with people. I can’t decide if someone is “beautiful” or “ugly” unless I get to know them. If they are an asshole, they become ugly to me, no matter how appealing their outer appearance is.
Or take my aversion to looking at photos. I hate photos. That does not mean I hate the subject matter in the photos. It means that I hate the way photos make me feel. Photos fill me with pain. Photos of people I love fill me with the most pain. I can’t help it. It just does. So I hate photos. So when I say I hate the ugly quilt, it really has nothing to do with how the quilt turned out. I hated the feelings I had while making it.
This is why the mini quilt was even made. I have said repeatedly that I often go through periods where I hate what I do. The main reason is due to the social factor that I must endure. I have also said over and over again that if I take a break (as so many love to suggest), it is very likely that my break would be permanent, or at the very least, quite long. My break could be weeks long, months long or even years long.
I was in that I-hate-my-job mode when I started the mini quilt. I hated how youtube (the social end of it) was making me feel so I automatically leaned toward making something “ugly” to match my mood. I hoped at the very least the ugliness I was feeling would be good for views (so far the 2 ugly quilt videos are doing okay). I also knew it would be a difficult video series for me to get through.
But if I didn’t upload something, I would not even be sitting here right now typing on my blog. I would have called it quits. If I ever do call it quits on my channel, I can promise you I will turn off all my social media and change my email. The social stuff is the core of my struggles. And yes, I even started a facebook group for my peanut gallery and I must say I struggle with that constantly. But I know it’s good for business. Does that mean I don’t care for those in the group? I care for some deeply. Some. Not all. Not even the majority. How’s that for honest? I would not even want to be that invested in an online family. I love that I have a decent sized online family, but I keep it very real.
I pushed through the ugly quilt because it was that or nothing. But after the first episode, I was so incredibly wanting to quit everything that I decided I needed to upload something different, something that might not make me feel so much hate for what I do. So I knocked out this easy quilt block and that helped. The next day I was able to finish the ugly quilt and put it past me.
Then the comments started coming in.
I find it very interesting to see how many people felt free to say my quilt is ugly. Quite sure it’s because I said it first. Had I loved and raved about that quilt, many would have still hated it, but out of those who hated it, I think only a small number would have actually said so. But since I expressed my hatred for it, others were free to hate it too. Only problem is that I don’t really hate the actual quilt. It’s pieces of fabric tossed together. What the fuck is there to hate about that? Nothing. And it’s totally useful to someone who loves the feel of satin. I can imagine many children loving it. I don’t hate the quilt.
But now I know many do.
It’s okay if you actually hate the quilt. I hated where that quilt stemmed from. It was made with hate in my heart, or at least great dislike for the social aspect of my job. I can’t stress enough just how much I hate the social part. Hate the way it makes me feel. And it’s not that it makes me feel bad about myself. It’s that it makes me dislike humans even more by the things they say or the things they believe.
Now I feel very sad for my ugly quilt. I cried a big part of the night over how much hate it got. I seriously did. The hate it got from complete strangers was due to its appearance. It was judged on its looks. That makes me more sad that you can imagine. And it’s why I hate the social aspect of my job. I still feel like I should keep my mouth shut because what I say comes from a totally different place than anyone can even begin to imagine. And when I say it, it brings around reactions that makes me even more sad. Yes, everyone is entitled to their honest opinion about the ugly quilt. But it somehow confirms what I have always believer. There’s a lot of hate out there. Even for something as insignificant as a quilt.
It’s almost like when a couple is breaking up. One might trash the other to family and friends. Those words might stem from fear of being alone, misplaced anger, complete frustration. The stuff they say at that moment might not reflect how they really feel about their loved one. But suddenly they are hearing stuff like, “I never liked him” or “he’s an asshole and always has been, always will be” or “you finally came to your senses” or “he never loved you and never will” or whatever. You get my drift. Then the couple gets back together but something is different now. Very different. You suddenly got to know how others really feel. It’s a sickening feeling. I’ve been in that position and you never forget the bads things others said. I’ve also been in a position that no matter what I might have said in anger toward my husband, my husband was still treated with respect and not trashed by the person listing to me. That was awesome. I will never forget the good things they said.
I love my little quilt now. I think it’s beautiful because it made me stop and realize that I never hated it because of the way it looked or because it was difficult. I hated what was going on in other parts of my life. The little quilt was there to help me get through that. I now feel so bad for that quilt. I will always feel sad that others judged it solely on it’s looks and called it such things as really ugly, very ugly, fucking ugly and even heinous. I know. I called it ugly too. And now I’m in a position where I made up with the quilt and I’m left with the memory of how others really feel. I think that no matter what, that old saying holds true. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing, even if prompted or encouraged to do so. I know for a fact I would never be able to say something someone made was ugly even if they said so first, even if I really didn’t like it. I’d be so afraid it would still hurt them.
Bottom line is we all looked at that ugly quilt in a different way. I think most of you looked at it as simply as something ugly and most likely because I influenced you. I do feel others looked at it with meaning behind it, like it reminded you of something good and you like it for that reason. Some just flat out liked it. But not sure anyone connected my “hate” toward it with how I might be feeling at the time. There might be a few out there who figured that out, but for the most part, I feel like everyone pretty much wrapped it up to me just hating the actual quilt. And this is where I realize that I am so totally alone even with an online family. A great big part of me likes knowing that because it really takes the pressure off me of having to act a certain way, say certain things, believe certain things. I know that no matter what I say or do, the real me is somehow always going to be a very private thing. No one really gets me so I’m not as “all out there” as I sometimes think I am. I still have privacy. I’m still very much alone. I like that.
To those of you who said nice things about the ugly quilt in spite of how I was treating it, I can’t thank you enough. You do give me some hope that I might like people one of these days. lol But seriously, your kindness showed. I have not been replying to any of the quilt comments, but do know that your kindness did not go unnoticed.
I must stop now. Therapy session is over. And I didn’t even have a co-pay.
UPDATE: for those of you contacting me to inform me that I invited you to say my quilt was ugly, yes, I did. I invited you to leave your comments. But I didn’t force you to say anything. Some said they loved it no matter what I thought or how I felt. Some chose to say they actually hated it for whatever reason. I get that many actually hate it! Yay for you! You are being honest. And I’m being honest too when I say those comments made me sad. Don’t apologize to me now. You are totally allowed to feel how you feel. I’m totally allowed to feel how I feel. No apologies or excuses needed. And I certainly don’t need to be scolded for feeling the way I do. What fucking nerve!
What I Have on eBay: I still have some Halloween fabric available and some Reindeer blocks, but the Winter blocks are now sold out.
10 Free eBooks plus Free Music: I have the new Free eBook Downloads which includes Rag Quilting for Beginners, Halloween Party Ideas, The Bridge of the Golden Woods for kids and more! I have the Free Music Downloads too.
Yesterday’s Walmart.com Deal: I did not do any bargain hunting yesterday but scroll down this page and check if any of my previous deals are still available!
Youtube Analytics Mini Update: Youtube has updated through Sept 14. Here’s an odd stat for you. My Top 3 videos that have been added to playlists are, Glass Pendants which appears in 1259 playlists, this Quilt As You Go video which appears in 197 playlists, and my Wonky Mosaic Tiles which appears in 163 playlists. Wow, the Glass Pendant’s are kicking ass in the playlist department! You can subscribe to my channel here.
On Derrick’s blog: 2-pack Leather Black & Brown Bracelets. Looks like there is a price drop on this one! Please remember prices can change at any time on Amazon.
Peanut Gallery Facebook Group Update: We currently have 978 members and growing! And yes, I still want more members. LOL PGFB members get early notices of my eBay auctions and other fun stuff. Don’t miss out! You can join here!
Have an awesome Saturday! Darlene xoxo
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