Friday Chat – I Will Never Swim at the YMCA

Posted by Darlene on July 27, 2018 at 11:28 am

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It’s Friday.

And I’ve made a decision. I will never swim at the YMCA. Since I started swimming again, I seriously thought about getting a Y membership so I could continue swimming year round. But I once promised myself I would NEVER AGAIN get any kind of membership to a gym or the Y. Never. Just the same, I thought maybe if I could swim, it might encourage me to pay cold hard cash for that activity.

But it’s not about the money.

It’s about the fact that I simply can’t add a daily chore to my list of things to do. I can’t even promise myself once per week. The minute I feel forced to do something, it becomes a horrid chore and I stress over it constantly.

As it is, I’m already suffering over simply going to the lake. I can’t get it out off my mind. Do I go? Do I not go? I hate it. I hate that I can’t just go if and only if I feel like it and that I can just miss an entire week of swimming if I want. But with me, it’s all or nothing. Always has been.

And here’s another thing I realize I can’t stand about swimming. It gives me too much time to think. While in the water, my mind goes wild. It like horrid noises in my head. I’ve tried focusing on just work because that’s one thing I like to think about, but it does not work. By the time I leave the water, I’m ready to collapse from the mental exhaustion and I am usually crying all the way home.

It’s not worth it.

I’d rather just continue to be a hermit. It feels better than trying to do other things. Should I force myself to go out? NO! There are no shoulds. I deserve to do only things that make me comfortable. I don’t need to be someone I’m not. I don’t need meds to turn me into a “normal” human. I don’t need booze to make my life livable. I can choose to just stay home and live life my way. It’s okay if I never swim.

Here’s what I have on the blog and youtube since my last update…