I know many of you are wondering where I am. I’m here. But I’m in depression mode. And it’s a bad bout this time. But not to worry. It only means I will not be making videos until I feel up to it.
I uploaded a doodle art video last night, but that was something I worked on over 10 days (took about 2 hrs 20 mins of actual doodling time). That was something I could bring myself to edit, so that’s why that got uploaded.
I will try to record something for Growing Up Crazy if I can find the desire. I’d like to describe what my depression does to me in an attempt to maybe help others understand. But I can’t make any promises.
To be honest, at this point I feel like I’ll never upload another video. But I also know from past experiences that when depression lifts, I usually find my passion again. Right now, there is no passion for anything. Even posting this blog update was a monumental chore.
I’m trying hard to stay offline as much as possible. Things like comments, even the nice comments, emails, messages, are almost impossible for me to deal with. I see no good in anything right now. I’m filled with anger, even rage. So even nice and caring comments are hard for me to deal with. That’s why I turned the comments off this video. It’s not that I was getting hate. It’s that I was getting love. And right now, there is no difference between love and hate for me. I know that’s hard to understand, but it’s how I feel.
I know I should probably say I’m sorry for disappearing, thank you for caring, please stick with me, and all that stuff. But those words mean nothing to me. Not now. I am a hollow shell, exempt from uplifting feelings. And it’s like there is a wall around me that does not even allow for any form of kindness to be received. I don’t even want kindness, because right now, it’s just as painful as hate. And the pain is real.
If this lasts for two weeks or longer, my “intelligent” side says a visit to the doctor is warranted. However, when I’m in this mode, I just don’t care. But I’m not in danger of harming myself. So please don’t think that’s where I’m headed.
I’ll update on this blog as I feel up to it.
Darlene
XOXO
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