It’s Thursday!
Before I get into what I plan on doing today, I must take a minute to explain social anxiety, at least how it pertains to me. I only suffer social anxiety when it’s social. If it’s business, it’s like I’m hidden in a cubical. I’m working. There is nothing social about it.
After I uploaded my video where I got a complete stranger on camera, I got hit with so many comments. So many. Most of you know by now that I do not like social interaction on youtube or facebook with the keyword being social. Totally harmless chit chat on facebook can send me into a melt down, even if I’m not part of the conversation. If I could turn all facebook comments off, I would. But it’s only possible to turn them off for a group (individually, per post, which sucks because I worry that I’ll forget). I can’t turn comments off for a profile or a page.
Most of the comments were things like “you did it” or “you took a very big step” or “I know it was hard for you but it will get easier” and stuff like that. (I have since deleted all facebook comments and only let some of the comments through on youtube and only because I have to keep youtube happy about the engagement). Does anyone really think that in 57 years I have not talked to strangers? I have. A gazillion times. The first thing I want to debunk that it never gets easier. Never. At least not for me. In fact, the older I get, the worse my social anxiety gets. This is why I changed my life so it can be as least social as possible. I work at home. I keep to myself, other than blasting my life on youtube. But when I record, it’s just me, all alone. That’s how I see it at the moment.
The other thing I want to clarify is that I have zero problem talking to strangers on camera. But it has to be the right stranger. I have many, many, MANY people look at me while I’m recording. Some stop and stare. Other’s just turn away. I can usually tell in an instant if they are the type who’d be willing to let me stick a camera in their face. I was tempted one other time but the person ended up turning the corner and there were others there, so I didn’t bother.
The man I met yesterday approached me. He wanted to know what I was holding in the air. He was a very chatty man. I took advantage of that. I got lots of kudos in the comments for how well I did, I looked relaxed. Yes, I was in my element. I was on stage and I got someone from the audience to come up and be part of my act. That’s business. That’s all good.
This is why you hear so many actors, comedians, or performers of all kinds, say they turned to their craft as a way to escape the extreme social anxiety that they suffer. Many performers are crippled by anxiety when off stage. But on stage, they are hidden because it’s not real. It’s not personal. It’s their job. It’s their release. It’s the one thing that saves them from being a complete recluse. That’s me.
I would have left my camera on and actually interviewed that man, but we were in Walmart. I don’t want to push my luck with recording in that store. Had we been outside I would have left the camera on. When the camera was off, we chatted for at least another 10 minutes. That part was way more hard for me. Very stressful. That has nothing to do with that man. He was a most awesome person. I loved everything about him. But I’m just not wired to be chatty without feeling like a freak.
I know I said in the video it was a hard thing for me to do. That’s because I think ahead. Even in a split second, I’m thinking about the fact that I’m in walmart, an employee could come by. We could be interrupted. I’m also about to get someone on camera and I know there will be chit chat after. I can’t just record then turn and walk away (or maybe I can?). There is also the chance they say no and insist on not being on camera. No big deal, I just edit the whole thing out. But I still have to be somewhat social if they refuse. The on camera part is a breeze. And I’d love to do more of that. But first I have to figure out how to survive the “high five” comments that come with uploading a video like that.
Once I upload a video, I would love to set it and forget it. That performance is over. Time for the next one. No one will watch (I’m in denial about that). But then the comments come in and I’m forced to realize that people are actually watching me. They want to congratulate me, cheer me on, encourage me to do more. That great big dose of social interaction destroys the good feelings I had by actually making the video.
I was so upbeat after yesterday’s video. I was so happy I finally found a willing participant to join the show. Then social media kicked in and I was crushed. That is no ones fault. All the comments were kind and supportive. But they were comments. And it was too loud for my head. If I were really on stage, I could escape to my dressing room to to my home. But my stage is youtube and I can’t escape that. The show never really ends. It really is a very strange dynamic for someone like me.
The bottom line is I will not be able to get away from social media. I need it to advance. I also need to find a way to survive it. Last night was pure torture for me. This is NOT an exaggeration. It was torture and it resulted in actual nightmares where I was suffering constantly. I could not even find peace during sleep.
Now that I got some of this off my chest, I hope I can once again find the love of videos. Seems like every time I find the love for youtube again, I quickly lose it. It is a constant ongoing battle. I just hope I can always recover even if only temporarily. One might think I should just give it all up and do something else, but I love my job. Love it! I just don’t like dealing with the aftermath. I can’t even imagine what celebrities go through. It must be just awful.
I know many of you watched in silence and did not even let me know you were there. What an awesome gift you gave me.
As for yesterday, there is the Tag Along where I talked to a stranger. I also did a fairly safe and stress free video, a quilt block.
Videos for today? No clue. I’m currently broken. I might record more quilting as that’s about the only kind of video I can handle when I feel like I do today.
A week’s worth of Walmart Clearance Roundups!
10/4 – Plus Size Jackets, Ponchos, Vest for Women
10/3 – Stuff for Cats
10/2 – Toys & Games for Kids (great for Christmas!)
10/1 – Women’s Plus Size Clothing!
9/30 – Halloween Costume Clearance! (some super LOW prices!!!).
9/29 – Stuff for Kids!
9/28 – Stuff for Dogs!
Free eBooks plus Free Music:
10 Free eBooks: I have the new 10 Free eBook Downloads list which includes Steak Recipes, Homemade Candles, Blogging for Beginners and more!
3 Free Box Sets: You can see the Free Box Sets here (there is another box set for crafters!!!).
6 Free Music Downloads: I have the Free Music Downloads here.
What I Have on eBay: I have my (check out the ), aand still some Halloween fabric Fat Quarters, Fat Eights, and Fat 16ths. Something for everyone!
Stuff You Can Do:
Home Depot: There is a FREE Workshop for Kids at Home Depot on October 7. They get to build and decorate and keep a free Fire House Bank. See the details here!
Michael’s: There is also a $2.00 Kids Club Workshop at Michael’s on October 7. They get to make and keep Canvas Characters! See the details here!
Youtube Analytics Mini Update: I am off to a slow start! I’m starting to think that having my comments turned off for two weeks is catching up to me. I had a sinking feeling any damage I cause by doing that would be delayed. I’m sure the damage period will end and youtube will love me again. It at least gives me something to aim for! You can see my channel here.
Peanut Gallery Facebook Group Update: We currently have 1.124 members and growing little by little! If you’d like to join my very quiet group and get my at-the-moment updates you can join here! (I’m currently the only one who can post there, so it’s a very quiet group).
What I’m Watching Tonight: Project Runway! It’s the best part about Thursdays!
Thanks for visiting my blog! Darlene
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