April 27, Monday Night:  Well it was bound to happen.  I gained this week :o(  Oh well.  What can I say.  Something is just not right.  I'm eating right and I'm walking.  But I feel like something is very wrong.  It's beyond depression.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  I can barely make the stairs.  I'm dizzy and off balance.  I'm NOT SLEEPING!  My doctor is sending me for a stress test on the 15th but I swear I don't know how I'm going to be up and out of the house and at the hospital for 10:00am.  I don't even start to function until noon or later.  In fact, I have some cars I'm selling and I put in the listing that they could come after 1:00pm and I had to change it to after 2:00pm because I was still in a daze at 1:00pm.  That is bad when you can't even show someone a car in your driveway until after 2:00pm!  And you should see their expressions when they ask where I work and I say "at home!"  I just don't know.  It's all too much to think about right now.  I'd sign off saying "good night" but I don't even remember the last time I had a good night!  So instead I'll say nightie night :o)

April 25, Saturday Afternoon:  It is HOT here in Maine!  When I looked late afternoon it was 89 degrees so it must have hit the 90s.  I need to get the AC up and running!  I don't like hot.  I don't like cold either.  I'm very hard to please!  Oh... I am finally making use out of twitter.  I signed up awhile ago but then did nothing with it.  I hate learning new things.  But now twitter is getting to be fun and I like it.  So join up and follow me on twitter!

April 24, Friday Afternoon:  I am so excited!  I asked The Examiner (the new site I'm writing for) if I could write for Sanford instead of Portland and he said yes!  So now I'm putting Sanford on the map by being the first to write for my town... and I love my town!  This will inspire me to write about the local businesses.  How cool!  And I get paid to do it!  Today was the first day that I said "freelance writer" when someone asked me what I do for a living.  My husband and I were showing a car I have for sale and the buyer asked what I do and I said I design clothing and I'm a freelance writer and my husband did not laugh!!!  He laughed when I made my first 25 cents... I laughed too!  But now I'm making more writing than I am sewing and hubby stopped laughing :o)  Just wish I could have sold the car too!  See my new Sanford title here...
Sanford Woman's Business Examiner

April 21, Tuesday Night:  I watched Dr. Phil today and it was all about hormones.  All the symptoms they mentioned described ME!  I have never had my hormone levels checked.  I am going to for sure!  To think that all this depression and sore body and chronic insomnia and weight gain could be caused by hormones that are off.  I can't believe my doctor never mentioned this to me.  I had a hysterectomy 9 years ago and have been sick ever since.  I wish I had seen Dr. Phil last week because I just saw my doctor on Friday.  Now I don't see her again for 3 months.  I'm going to do my hormone homework so I will know exactly what to tell her.

April 20, Monday Night:  I'm a bit more cheerful tonight.  I started writing for The Examiner today.  I am the Business Women's Examiner for the Portland, Maine area.  This is sort of a step up from eHow.  I'm taking tiny steps :o)  But I think I will like writing for The Examiner and hope it pays off.  I only have one article but please check it out HERE.  If any of you are interest in writing for the Examiner please use me as your reference.  There is a spot on the application near the end to say who referred you.  My ID number is 8049.  I think I'll have a new writing career soon!  There are lots of sites out there that pay.  And I like it.  Very different from sewing.  But don't worry, I will still sew too.

April 19, Monday Afternoon:  I did not sleep one tiny bit last night.  What a miserable night!  I should have just come to the computer and get some work done but I was too tired.  Tired yet not sleepy.  I finally fell asleep for a bit around 11:00am and slept off and on until 1:00pm.  I hope tonight is better!  If not, I'm taking a pill :o(

April 18, Saturday Afternoon:  It's a gray day here in Sanford, Maine.  And I love gray days!  Fits my mood exactly.  I saw my doctor and told her how much I hate walking on my treadmill and now I sometimes get exhausted after just one minute of walking so she is sending me to have a stress test.  Two things I hate about that... it has to be in the morning and I have to walk on a treadmill!  But I'll be curious to see how it turns out.  Never had a stress test before.

April 15, Wednesday Evening:  Did anyone notice that I'm not complaining about walking on my treadmill as much as I was before?  I think it's because I can handle one mile a day.  Two miles a day was just too much for me.  One mile, even though I don't enjoy it, is something I can get through.  I try to do 1/2 a mile during the day then the other 1/2 mile during commercials while watching my nightly TV.  I still wish it would help me to lose weight faster.  But, whatever... I'll take any loss that I can get!

April 12, Sunday Night:  I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.  Mine was PERFECT as far as food is concerned.  My sister, mother, and husband had a traditional ham dinner and I made myself a fresh new pot of soup... and it was delicious!  Every pot is basically the same yet every pot tastes better than the previous one.  And here is something cute... during lent my mother put an Easter basket on her counter and every time I got a free sample in the mail for all the goodies I order she would put it in her basket and was saving it for today.  That basket was such a cool idea and it was so fun to see what would come in the mail for her basket.  She got cereal, warm mini delights, a granola bar, lemonade packets, oh, I can't remember everything.  But all the samples made for a really nice basket.  The only things she did not put in there were the tampons (ordered those for my friend).  And the only thing I bought was one solid chocolate bunny and I put that in her basket after she went to bed last night.  She was so surprised to see that big bunny sticking out of her basket!  If you want any free samples you can order them HERE but I need to update the page... many offers might be expired.  So check back often for new things!

April 10, Friday Night:  I can't believe it's already the 10th!  This month is flying by so fast.  I am working hard at trying to come out of my depression.  I have even stopped taking my antihistamine that I use to help me sleep thinking that maybe it's not letting me have a restful sleep.  So now I'm not falling asleep until almost morning.  And then I sleep off and on until noon-ish.  Then I spend a couple hours trying to wake up.  No wonder the month is flying by.  I'm not seeing any of it!  On a good note, I have been accepted to write for The Examiner as the Business Women editor for the Portland, Maine area.  It still pays only through advertising revenues but with eHow and now the Examiner I will soon be making more money writing than sewing.  And writing is a nice change of pace for me.  Now I must try to sleep... what a joke!!!  Oh, I still have a 1/4 mile I have to walk to finish my mile.  So that's what I must do!

April 6, Monday Evening:  It's raining here in Maine and I love it.  I love the sound.  And the dark and dreary day matches my mood.  In fact I feel better when it's dark and find that since the days are getting longer I feel much worse.  I really was meant to be a vampire or a hamster or something that thrives during the night!  Oh well... live by day I must!

April 5, Sunday Afternoon:  I was up very early today... woke up about 6:00am and tossed and turned trying to fall back asleep for 1.5 hours then finally gave up and got up.  I sleep just a few hours at night and I rarely ever sleep more than 20 minutes at a time.  It's a problem I've had all my life and it's really getting to me.  I sometimes feel like I'm 100 years old.  And my doctor insists my lack of sleep plays a big role in my weight gain and struggle to lose it.  Not sleeping really lowers your metabolism.  My dream would be to sleep in a hammock on a porch near a beach.  I think that would knock me out!  Just the sound of the waves would relax me.  But I've tried all the relaxation stuff... soothing sounds, soothing stuff on my TV screen (they have special DVDs to help you sleep... too funny!), low lights, no lights, prescription meds, over the counter meds, booze, no booze, food, no food, firm bed, soft bed, no bed (I sleep on the couch and have for over 20 years) one pillow, two pillows, read, don't read, meditate, over sedate... nothing works.  Now let's back up a bit.  Before you send me emails telling me I have to get off the couch and back into a bed I will save you the energy and tell you FOR SURE I can't sleep in a bed.  I just can't. In fact, the very expensive sleep study I had a few years back was a waste of time because they put me in a bed (imagine that!) and I could not sleep.  I can't even lay on a bed for more than 10 minutes without having to get up.  I don't know what it is about beds but I can't stand them!!!  Did I write about this before?  It's all sounding familiar.  Maybe it was something I mentioned to someone in an email.  Or maybe I said it hear.  But anyway, I have even slept in the tub at a hotel AS AN ADULT because I could not sleep in the bed.  I did put all the blankets and pillows in there and it was not that bad!  It was as close to a couch as I could get :o)

April 4, Saturday Night:  I just got back from doing my groceries... broth, broth, and more broth!  I go through at least 20 cans (small cans) of broth a week making my soup.  And now anytime someone comes over that's what I feed them... soup.  I'm still eating it and I'm still loving it.  And I'm staying in control food-wise by eating my soup.  I really do wish I'd lose weight faster but even with the walking I am just soooooo stuck at a slow pace!  Oh well... I'll worry about that tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be a good day because I get to make my fresh pot of soup :o)  What an exciting life, huh?

April 1, Wednesday Night:  I got such a nice email today and I just have to share it!  If you've been reading my posts lately you know that I'm fighting depression right now and I'm also in an odd state of mind and I'm feeling sort of lost now that I no longer obsess about food.  And I woke up feeling really down and out today.  And I usually dread opening emails because I never know what I'm going to get hit with (yes, I get hate mail).  But this was the first email I read today...
Hi Darlene,  I saw your request for advice so here goes... maybe this will help you work through some things but if not, I hope you are able to do so soon.  You are in a transitional phase right now... keep remembering BABY STEPS!  Your food addiction wasn't born in a day and your rebirth is going to be difficult.  I admire you and respect you so much right now!!  Let your mind ease into it... don't pressure yourself to feel differently.  Your goal right now should be to simply get used to these new feelings.  Once you relax into it there will be plenty of things to do.  For now just recognize that your mind and your body are healing.  If you feel like faltering just keep remembering BABY STEPS.  Healing takes time and until the mind and body are healthy you are not going to feel the best.  Sending you lots of positive energy to keep you on your path!  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
I'm telling you, that email was a life saver!!!  I especially love the lines "For now just recognize that your mind and your body are healing."  and "Healing takes time and until the mind and body are healthy you are not going to feel the best."  I thought about these words all day. And today my treadmill walk was especially hard, like I was walking for the first time.  And instead of feeling defeated I just told myself that I was healing.  And I just walked extra slow and did my mile.  So thank you for such a wonderful email.   You made my day!!!