June 27, Saturday Night:  We are still very sad here and I think we will be for a long time.  But today I managed to take my mother and my other two dogs out for a ride.  My heart was not in it.  I'm physically sick over this.  I just need more time.  I also posted my new weight photos thinking that would cheer me up but I don't really see any difference with this 10 pound loss.  Maybe it will show more when I lose the next 10 pounds.

June 25, Thursday Late Night:  I can't even begin to explain how I feel right now.  Most of you know that I had our dear Cupcake put down on Wednesday.  Then like a living zombie I went to my TOPS meeting that same evening.  I was still in shock and ended up crying through the entire meeting.  And I lost weight and finally reached my 20 pound goal and I don't even care.  Then today I had to go to the dentist.  I cried through almost the entire appointment.  I only went because I felt completely hollow and figured I would not feel any pain.  But I'm telling you... I wish I could have a video of the expression on the faces of the staff when out of the blue I cried out loud.  As sad as I was I still laugh now thinking of how much I startled them. I saw someone walking a dog outside and it just broke me.  Then I saw another dog.  They still took me to the dentist chair and they pulled down the shades so I could not see more dogs (facing Main Streets and it was busy with people walking dogs).  I ended up not having the work done because they had not scheduled enough time.  Just as well... I don't think he could drill while I was crying.  Now that I think of it... they probably just told me that there was not enough time!  OMG... that's it!  That must be it.  Anyway, I came home and felt so sad that our white puff of joy was no longer here but then my mind was quickly turned to the news of Michael Jackson.  I thought one celebrity dying in one day was enough but no, we had two.  Farrah and Michael.  This is not a day I'm likely to forget.  I was a very long and sad day.  I hope tomorrow is a little better.  I know I have to take pics of myself now that I've lost another 10 pounds (man, did that take forever or what!?!) and I'll try to do that on Sunday.

June 22, Monday Afternoon:  We are getting rain, rain and more rain!  I love the rain but my tomato plants sure could use some sun.  And it's hard enough for me to wake up during the day... the rain just makes me want to sleep forever!  One a good note, I think I may have found a new supplier for sarongs with a bigger assortment of prints.  But they are in Canada so I'm waiting back to hear from them to get an idea of what the shipping charges would be.  I need to find another wholesaler for India tapestries.  My supplier only changes prints about once a year.  It's fun to hunt for fabric but it's hard to get a true wholesaler.  Many call themselves wholesalers but they're not.  I found a site that sells beautiful tapestries and I keep emailing them to ask who their wholesaler is or to ask if they'd at least sell to me in bulk for a lower price but they never answer my emails.  Even if they replied now I would not trust doing business with them.  If any of you ever find unique fabric online let me know!  Things are looking up for my sewing business lately so that's a good sign that maybe I can afford some new shipments of fabric soon :O)

June 21, Sunday Late Night:  It feels odd not weighing myself on Sunday!  But my weigh in will be on Wednesdays now.  And I will have to be taking new photos soon!  I'm so excited about that.  And the next 10 pounds better not take so long to come off!  I know it won't because I have my TOPS group and that keeps me very motivated.  I'm so happy to be back with my TOPS group.  I really am!

June 19, Friday Evening:  Wow... I walked a half a mile yesterday!  And my knee hurts.  But I don't care.  I'm going to stick to a half mile and see how it goes.  I can't imagine what I did to that knee to make it hurt for weeks and weeks!  I'm just glad to start back up with the walking because now that I'm back at TOPS I am really motivated to lose weight!  And that means I'll finally be taking some new photos soon... as soon as I hit the 20 pound mark!  And that's not far away!

June 17, Wednesday Night:  I am one very happy girl.  I joined TOPS again.  If you read my very first entry to this blog you will see that I had great success with TOPS when I joined in 2004.  I loved the meetings and made some good friends there.  But then I became the leader and I guess I was a bit too enthusiastic and some members didn't like the changes I was making.  It's a long story but I ended up quitting and I took it as hard as someone who is going through a divorce.  I was with my group for over two years and I was lost without them.  I tried another TOPS chapter but my heart was not into it.  Then I fell into a depression (mostly caused by medication) and 2007 was the worst year of my life.  My doctors kept changing my meds and in no time I gained back all my weight I lost plus more.  Now it has been over 2 years since I left TOPS and I finally called one of my dear TOPS friends to ask if the members who didn't like me were still there.  And she said they were gone!  So I joined and the group is bigger and better than ever!!!  And now I will use my official TOPS weight and will update my site on Wednesdays from now on (or Thursdays if I'm too beat on Wed night).  I know I will lose much faster now that I have my TOPS support system.  See... I love a challenge.  And they have a lot of contests and I'm always determined to WIN!  So you can expect to see bigger losses from me from now on.  I'M GOING TO BE UNSTOPPABLE!!!

June 16, Tuesday Afternoon:  It's a beautiful day here in Maine today.  It still does not feel like summer... and that's fine by me.  I hate the heat.  Today is perfect!  I feel bad for those with swimming pools though because no one is swimming around here yet.  June is usually much hotter than this.  I don't know what is going on with this cool weather.  We'll probably burn up in July and August.  On another note... I still have not eaten a thing yet today because I got up so late.  And I can't eat for a few hours after I get up because I wake up so exhausted.  It's almost 5:30 and I'm still half asleep.  This is crazy!  By the time I start to wake up it's dark again.  I don't know.  Some days I just feel like giving up.  I think I'll go sew some orders.  That will cheer me up a bit :o)

June 14, Sunday Evening:  I seem to be on hold with my weight.  Not bad.  Better than a gain.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I slept on and off today until 1:30pm.  And I still feel like sleeping.  Climbing the stairs is like hiking up a mountain.  Gee... I seem to only have complaints today so I think I'll just stop here... and go lay down!

June 12, Friday Late Night:  Hello my dear blog readers.  I'm ready for bed!  I have to get up at 8:00am which will be quite the task because I have not been able to fall asleep before sunrise for what seems like weeks now.  Last night I tried to get to sleep early and the next thing I knew it was 5:30am and I was still wide awake.  But when the sun comes in the room I drift off and could sleep all day.  I'm a vampire!  Or a hamster. Whatever I am my natural clock just does not want to sleep at night. I've struggled with this all my life.  On a good note I managed to mow the lawn at a property that I'm renting and it was killing my knee. That's not the good note.  The good note is that when I was done and was pushing the mower back to my house a couple blocks away I felt my knee pop and the pain that I've had for weeks now was gone!  So I think I did actually put my knee out of place or something.  It's still sore but nothing like the pain I was in.  So I hope it's on the mend for good now.  I'm so excited that I have a tenant to live in the house I bought.  I bought it to flip it but then the values dropped and selling it now would only bring in maybe half of what I paid.  So I'm going to rent and just keep it.  Now I just hope I picked a good couple.  Wish me luck!  Good night!

June 10, Wednesday Late Night:  I am sitting here with writer's block!  I can't think of an article subject to save my life.  Oh well, it happens :o)  I finally have a page set up for those of you who want to try making money writing articles.  I write for 3 sties but will start you off with eHow.  They are the easiest to get set up with.  You can read the info here.  I'll have info for the other sites soon.  If any of you who are reading this need to lose some weight, take my advice and start writing articles!  It will give you something new to do and it will take your mind off food.  Honestly, writing has really helped replace my food addiction.  They always say you need to replace one addiction with another. Writing is healthier than pigging out and it PAYS!  So give it a try and maybe you can go on a writing diet :o)

June 9, Tuesday Afternoon:  It's almost 2:00pm and I just got up.  It's raining today which is my favorite weather.  I could sleep forever when it rains.  I'm also happy for my tomato plants.  I started my own plants from seeds for the first time and surprisingly I got 21 out of 23 seeds to grow.  I kept 8 plants and I'm finding homes for the rest.  I also planted about 30 cucumber seeds and hope I get a good crop because I love cukes!  I have not done any gardening for the past two years because of my depression.  I really hesitated to do any this year but I figure all I have to do is turn on the sprinkler and do a bit of weeding.  I should be able to handle that.  And if not, no biggie.  I'll just take what nature gives me.

June 5, Friday Night:  Man oh man... I'm completely off track... with my sleep, not my eating :o)  I've been on track with eating for a long time now.  But as for my sleep habits, that's a totally different story.  I'm up almost all night then I sleep in the morning.  But now I'm sleeping right into the afternoon.  Then by the time I fully wake up and take my shower and get dressed it's 3:00 or 4:00pm.  UGH!  Today I had to go to Wal-Mart and by the time I got home it was time for bed!  Obviously I will be staying up all night because I slept all day.  This would not bother me so much if I didn't feel guilty about leaving my mother alone all morning.  I don't know what to do.  There's always something!

June 3, Wednesday Night:  I can't believe I still can't walk on the treadmill because of my knee (rah, rah, yippee, yahoo!).  But really, I must have really screwed it up.  Any pressure on it, any standing at all, kills my knee!  What on earth?  Just when it starts to feel better I do a little something then it hurts like crazy again.  It's like something is squeezing my leg mid thigh to mid calf.  I honestly think I may have popped it out of place or something.  You might be wondering why I have not gone to the doctor yet... don't know why! I'm just too lazy to make an appointment.  I hate appointments so much.  I am usually up all night the night before an appointment then appointment day is a complete waste because I can't function.  And I really expected this knee to be better by now.  I'd like to be able to get back on the treadmill (did I just say that?).  Let's just see how it goes.  I think a visit to the doctor might be a waste of money.  She'll just say stay off it.  I don't need to pay someone to tell me that.  My mother told me that for free :o)

June 1, Monday Night:  It's June!  I can't believe it.  It feels like fall here in Maine today.  It's been cool and very windy.  I love the wind!  And I like it cool.  I'd be happy if we had a cool summer.  As for my weight... I'm trying like crazy to be more calorie conscious.  And I think it's going to work.  No, I KNOW it's going to work.  I'm going to have an awesome weight loss over the summer.  I just know it :o)  And you can lose weight with me too.  I know I've been losing at a snail's pace but hey, at least I'm not gaining anymore!  So I'll take every little loss I get.  I sure am anxious to get to 20 pounds just so I can take more pics.  Anxious to see if it will show.  Well, it's getting close to midnight so I guess I should sign off.  I'm going to read some magazines to get new article ideas.  I love this writing stuff!  Good night!