Happy Saturday!
I woke up in a fabulous mood! That’s mainly because I have been once again reassured that I have the BEST online family. Seriously, I do. My peanut gallery rocks my world!
I uploaded a video last night. In that video I chatted a bit about what some see as a slightly controversial topic… swearing in videos. I love to swear. It’s a big part of my life. And my husband and I lovingly swore to each other constantly. It was playful to us. When he died in November, I lost all of that fun we had. I miss that playfulness very much.
I know. There are so many other things to miss when you lose a spouse. But please remember that my husband was an alcoholic and it really did a number on his brain. I knew when he left his job in January of 2016 that he was very near the end. He lived 9 more months. We lived apart, in different states (because, alcoholic, and I didn’t want to watch him die). Our conversations changed during that time because I knew there was no future for us. He was dying. There was no hope of him quitting drinking. He was forever in denial. I accepted that. So our phone calls and texts and voice messages were just playful now, not substantial. We no longer talked about life and future plans. We lived in the now, and the sicker he got, the less he swore. I knew he had given up. His sense of humor was gone. It made me so sad.
It was after I lost Andy that I decided to be more of myself on my channel. Allowing myself to swear was in a way keeping part of Andy alive in my heart. He loved that we could be that way with each other. I don’t think he appreciated too many things about me, but for sure he loved the fact that I could keep up with his filthy mouth. And he also loved that I loved that about him.
Okay, sounds like our marriage was not based on much. lol And that’s true. He was an actively drinking alcoholic. I was a non-drinking alcoholic. We were miles apart on most everything. But we did love each other as best as we could. I loved him way more than he could ever love himself. And I miss him terribly.
Back to the swearing. Andy never watched one of my videos. He really had no interest in what I did, not even when we lived together. He was thrilled to have a wife who was happy to stay home all day and not complain that all he wanted to do was watch TV. I was happy to have a couch potato husband who didn’t mind if I sat at my sewing machine or computer all day. I loved having him in front of the TV. I felt safe with him there. He loved just knowing I was somewhere in the house. I was able to do whatever I wanted (you know, workaholic here). He was able to have his affair with beer (you know, alcoholic there). And we could swear all we wanted if we ever happened to pass by each other during bathroom breaks. It was not perfect, but we made it work.
Back to swearing on my videos. I was worried that the masses would leave when I started swearing. That’s not the case. Do some hate it? Absolutely! And they let me know. But many others let me know that they love that side of me and that they also find the humor in it (you can read the comments under this video). So that’s the direction my channel is taking. I want to be myself. I want to honor Andy. I want to not worry about what others think. I want to be okay with losing part of my audience. I want to welcome the new audience that will subscribe to my channelbecause of the way I talk, because I’m more of the real me. It’s all good. And I might be giving Andy too much credit here, but I think he’d be proud of me for not giving a shit about what others think. He would never say it, but I think he’d be proud.
I love you, Andy!
Have a great Saturday!
Darlene
XOXO
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