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I’ve been at one of my lowest points for a week now. What a long, tough week it has been! I feel like I’m losing my mind, my business, my online family, all of that. And it’s all because of who I am, the real me. I don’t think the real me is very likable.
I’m struggling to get through this and will just keep my head above water. I have a silly unboxing and review to do, and I’m so NOT in the mood to do that, but I would like to try maybe tonight or tomorrow.
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It’s Sunday!
I know I’m late with this chat update, but I’m trying very hard to not stress over stuff, so my timing might be off for a bit, or forever. lol
I uploaded a video last night! I went a whole 4 days without being on camera. That’s after creating 370 videos for 5 months straight without missing a day. Someone please remind me that in 5 more months, I can take a few days off again!
Last night’s video is very different for me. I talk more about my odd duck ways and explained why I’m temporarily turning comments off my new videos. It’s a scary experiment, but I’m doing it just the same. I also have a follow up video that will be uploaded soon, so please check for that one later.
I will also try to record my youtube earnings update later tonight. I have been getting lots of questions asking me if I’ll still be doing that, and so far the answer is yes. Stay tuned!
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Breaking News!!!! I will try to record something today. If I don’t start now, I never will. I will probably just be talking about a few changes I’m making. I’m not really up to this at all, but I really feel like I need to push through it.
I just got a call that a PT is coming over for my mother today, so I’ll try to record after that. No clue how long she’ll be here.
I use affiliate links in some of my posts. I may earn a commission if you use my links. Full disclosure.
If you happen to be in the area and you stop by one of these gigs, you MUST say hello to Derrick and snap a selfie with Derrick to send to me! He wants to meet you!!! (like Derrick on facebook)
Friday Night 8/19 – Mudflap King (like on facebook)
Country Hoedown at TJ Mulligans on Trinity Road in Cordova, TN
Mudflap King starts at 9:30pm
Derrick will be filling in for the bass player with Mudflap King this weekend. Derrick used to be in this band so he’s excited to be rejoining his old friends for the night!
Saturday Night 8/20 – Radiometer (like on facebook)
Live at Rock House – 5709 Raleigh Lagrange, Memphis, TN
9:00pm to 1:00am
This is the new band Derrick is in! – Radiometer [rey-dee-om-i-ter] is a country rockin’ party band from Memphis, TN. The members of the band are Ashton Sprouse and Kayla Cobble sharing lead vocals, Jeff Cobble on lead guitar, Derrick Michaud on bass guitar, and Jeff Ward on the drums. Radiometer plays a wide range of country and rock music. They perform a variety of songs from such artists as Little Big Town, The Band Perry, Gretchen Wilson, Miranda Lambert, Adele, Led Zeppelin, Heart, Joan Jett, Aerosmith, Journey, Bonnie Raitt, Melissa Etheridge, and the list goes on.
I use affiliate links in some of my posts. I may earn a commission if you use my links. Full disclosure.
I have been struggling so much with whether or not I’ll every record videos again. First, let me explain that when I’m depressed like this, I feel with my whole being that I’ll never come out of it. But past experiences prove that I will come out of it in time, maybe in a few days, maybe a few weeks. I’ve even let myself feel like this for many months before seeking help. It’s hard to even want help when I’m at the bottom of a pit. But my intelligent side knows there is help for me if and when I want it.
Today I feel like I’m heading toward recording again. However, not sure what I’ll be like! lol One thing I’m thinking of is turning off comments for future videos, at least for a while. This is not because of the few hurtful or hateful comments I get. It’s because of the nice ones. Yes, nice ones are very hard for me to deal with. I think when I return to youtube, I’ll do my first video trying to explain that. All I know is I have the comments turned off on this video and also on this one, and my anxiety level has gone down. That’s a good thing!
So, I’m still not sure how things are going to play out, but at least I am trying to come up with a plan to make my return easier on me. I feel like I’d be starting from scratch. It’s like I don’t even know how I ever got on camera before!
I also want to reply to the person who told me I bit off more than I could chew. The last time I took a day off from youtube was March 21st. That’s 5 months of videos where I never missed a day. And that was multiple videos a day, 370 total, so an average of about 3 per day. That’s through having my granddaughter here for 5½ weeks then my mother in the hospital and rehab for 3 weeks. I was good with that! I think I chewed up everything I bit off. If I felt like it was too much, I would not have done it. I have no clue what my pace will be when I return, but it will be a pace I’m comfortable with. If I take big bites, I’ll chew them.
A special shoutout toCourtneyWithLove!!! Today is her birthday!!! So incredibly happy to have Courtney as my friend!!! Much love to you girlfriend!!!
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I know many of you are wondering where I am. I’m here. But I’m in depression mode. And it’s a bad bout this time. But not to worry. It only means I will not be making videos until I feel up to it.
I uploaded a doodle art video last night, but that was something I worked on over 10 days (took about 2 hrs 20 mins of actual doodling time). That was something I could bring myself to edit, so that’s why that got uploaded.
I will try to record something for Growing Up Crazy if I can find the desire. I’d like to describe what my depression does to me in an attempt to maybe help others understand. But I can’t make any promises.
To be honest, at this point I feel like I’ll never upload another video. But I also know from past experiences that when depression lifts, I usually find my passion again. Right now, there is no passion for anything. Even posting this blog update was a monumental chore.
I’m trying hard to stay offline as much as possible. Things like comments, even the nice comments, emails, messages, are almost impossible for me to deal with. I see no good in anything right now. I’m filled with anger, even rage. So even nice and caring comments are hard for me to deal with. That’s why I turned the comments off this video. It’s not that I was getting hate. It’s that I was getting love. And right now, there is no difference between love and hate for me. I know that’s hard to understand, but it’s how I feel.
I know I should probably say I’m sorry for disappearing, thank you for caring, please stick with me, and all that stuff. But those words mean nothing to me. Not now. I am a hollow shell, exempt from uplifting feelings. And it’s like there is a wall around me that does not even allow for any form of kindness to be received. I don’t even want kindness, because right now, it’s just as painful as hate. And the pain is real.
If this lasts for two weeks or longer, my “intelligent” side says a visit to the doctor is warranted. However, when I’m in this mode, I just don’t care. But I’m not in danger of harming myself. So please don’t think that’s where I’m headed.
